If you look like your passport picture, you probably need to get off the tour!
If you wake up in a hotel room and start wrapping up the power cord on the alarm clock,
you probably need to get off the road for a while!
If you get home and can’t sleep without the sound of the bus generator,
a maglite and your pass by your bed, it’s too late!
If you think “Q” is a word, it’s too late!
If you think the red traffic light means “standby”, it’s too late!
If you have to ask your neighbor for directions to:
the local pup, supermarket, etc., you’ve been on the road too long!
Touring is like going to grade school: You’re told when to get on and off the bus,
when to eat, when its playtime, when its naptime, sometimes there’s a field trip,
you have to pay attention because there might be a test,
if you don’t pass the tests you can’t go on the next tour,
if you’re a good student (roadie) the teacher (PM) will give you a star (swag),
if you misbehave you get sent home (on a good tour) or you get detention (you stay on a bad tour).
some days you’re the bird and some days you’re the statue,
Some days you’re the dog and some days you’re the hydrant.
“If life was fair:
Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.”
We cannot see the future. We cannot change the past.
We can only live in the now with an eye towards gaining enough power in
the future to wreak revenge on everyone who ever screwed us in the past.
There are two theories to arguing with a performer….
…. Neither one works!
Q: What’s the difference between a banjo and an anchor?
A: You tie a rope to an anchor before you throw it overboard.
Q: What has 20 teeth, claps, dances around and sings along?
A: The front row at a country concert
Equal opportunity abuse
Updates: Thanks to submissions by several anonymous roadies.
Q: Why do sound guys always say: “Test 1, 2” ?
A: Because you lift on 3 and If they could count higher they would do lighting.
Q: What’s the difference between a rigger and God?
A: God doesn’t think he’s a rigger.
Q: Why is lighting truss made of aluminium?
A: So it doesn’t rust before the lighting crew can get it in the air.
Q: What did the truck driver get on his IQ test?
Q: How can you tell when a plane is full of musicians?
A: When the engine stops, the whining keeps going.
Q: How does a musician make his car faster?
A: Take off the “Domino’s” sign.
Q: How do you get a musician of your porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.
Q: What is a musician or actor without a girlfriend?
Q: What do you throw to a drowning guitar player?
A: His amp.
Q: What’s the difference between a lead singer and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.
Q: What do you usually hear when any roadie is in a three-piece suit?
A: “Will the defendant please rise.”