Some Humour

THE ACTOR’S LESSONS of DESTRUCTION

1. Compromise your principles early and get it over with.
2. Memorize all of the songs from “Cats.”
3. Wear as much spandex as possible to auditions.
4. Wear lots of “comedy and tragedy” accessories.
5. Take your art WAY too seriously.
6. Misquote Shakespeare.
7. If a director doesn’t invite you to callbacks, assume it’s a mistake and go anyway.
8. When you get to callbacks, ask the director “Will this take long?”
9. No matter how many conflicts you have, reply “none.” Hey, it can all be worked out in the end.
10. Overemphasize the lines they laugh at.
11. Mistreat props. Lose them. Take them home with you.
12. Tip the director.
13. Repeatedly ask techies, “Will this be ready by the opening?”
14. Assume the stage manager is there to clean up after you..
15. Stay up late power drinking before early morning calls.
16. Pause for so long after your monologue that they can’t tell if you are done or not.
17. Remember, although you can always be replaced, they can’t replace you until you’ve done a LOT of damage.
18. When your character isn’t talking, mug.
19. Why be onstage when you can upstage?
20. For a touch of realism, upstage yourself.
21. Give fellow actors advice on how to do their characters.
22. If you can’t get a grasp of your character, just do Jack Nicholson.
23. Blocking is for amateurs.
24. Eye contact is for actors afraid to stand on their own.
25. It’s not the quality of the role, it’s what you get to wear.
26. Wear all black and hang out in coffee houses.
27. Change your blocking on opening night.
28. Remember: frontal nudity gets you noticed faster.
29. Use your tongue to make stage kisses look “real.”
30. Break a leg. Literally.

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