Holiday Fun – Part One

Since it is the holiday season, here is some humour centred around our industry. A lot of this has been around for a while, but it is still fun to read.

Things You will Never Hear in the Theatre

BY THE STAGE MANAGER:

  • It looks as though there’ll be time for a third dress rehearsal.
  • Take your time getting back from break.
  • We’ve been ready for hours.
  • No, I called that perfectly the first time, let’s move on.
  • The headsets are working perfectly.
  • The cue lights are working perfectly.
  • The orchestra has no complaints.
  • The whole company is standing by whenever you need them..
  • That didn’t take long.
  • No thanks, I don’t drink.

BY THE PRODUCER:

  • Of course there’s enough money to go around.
  • We have money left over.
  • No thanks, I don’t drink.

BY THE DIRECTOR:

  • Wow, the designers were right, weren’t they?
  • No, today is the tech rehearsal, we’ll re-work that scene later.
  • I think the scene changes are too fast.
  • Of course I think that we’ll be ready in time for opening.
  • The crew? Why they’re just wonderful!
  • That’s fine, I’ve got my own torch.
  • Leave it where it is, we’ll re-block it.
  • This chair’s fine, thank you.
  • No we don’t need to use glitter in this show as it takes the stage crew hours to sweep the stuff up. One small bubble machine should work.
  • Thank You.
  • We’ll use it as it is.
  • My round, are all the crew here?
  • No thanks, I don’t drink.

BY THE DESIGNERS:

  • Of course all of my drawings were turned in on time.
  • Yes, it is absolutely my fault that the set looks awful.
  • You know, you might have a point there.
  • The director knows best, obviously I wasn’t giving him what he wanted.
  • We may have too many gel colours in stock, I can’t choose.
  • The shop will have the costumes ready on time.
  • No thanks, I don’t drink.

BY THE TECHNICAL DIRECTOR:

  • This is the most complete and informative set of drawings I’ve ever seen.
  • We built it right the first time.
  • No problem, I’ll deal with that right away.
  • I love designers.
  • No thanks, I don’t drink.

BY THE ACTOR:

  • Don’t…. Let’s not talk about me.
  • I really think my big scene should be cut.
  • This costume is so comfortable.
  • I love my shoes.
  • No problem, I can do that myself.
  • I have a fantastic agent.
  • Let me stand down here with my back to the audience.
  • No, leave that spot where it is – I’ll walk into it.
  • I’m sure someone told me there was a wall down here, I just forgot.
  • Without the crew the show would never run – let’s thank them.
  • No thanks, I don’t drink.

BY THE STAGE CREW:

  • There’s room for that over here.
  • We’ll get in early tomorrow to do it.
  • No, no, I’m sure that is our job.
  • Anything I can do to help?
  • All the tools are carefully locked away.
  • Can we do that scene change again, please?
  • It’s a marvellous show.
  • I don’t need this many on the crew.
  • I’m getting loads of sleep – everythings going really well.
  • No thanks, I don’t drink.

BY THE ELECTRICS CREW

  • I must fix the light in the publicity office.
  • This equipment is far more complicated than we need.
  • Of course I can operate sound from here.
  • Be sure to keep that instrument away from the flying pieces.
  • All the lanterns on the bar a foot to the right? No problem.
  • I’ll do that right away.
  • All the equipment is working perfectly.
  • No, please – take the last doughnut.
  • That had nothing to do with the computer, it was my fault.
  • Yes, it would be easier to do it on paper, wouldn’t it.
  • I have all the equipment I need, thanks.
  • No, honestly, it’s my round.
  • Thanks, but I don’t drink.

BY THE CHOREOGRAPHER

  • This floor’s fine.
  • Plenty warm enough, thank you.
  • Thank you.
  • The lights are spot on.
  • Leave it; we’ll fit in somehow.
  • One dressing room’s fine.
  • The costumes are perfect.
  • The boom positions are fine.
  • The wing space is ample, really.

BY THE ORCHESTRA

  • Oh the pit’s fine; actually we don’t need all that space you could have built a smaller pit.
  • No it’s alright we can unload our equipment ourselves, we don’t want to trouble the stage crew when they are busy.
  • Could you turn these music stand lights down? They’re a bit too bright.
  • Of course we can play quieter.
  • The foldback is fine.

BY THE FRONT OF HOUSE MANAGER

  • Yes, we knew all about the size of the mixing desk. We even allowed a few spare seats in the stalls in case you had some extra equipment.
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